Presently, I am on 39 Hohner Avenue, Apartment A, Kitchener. It’s something of a strange feeling, as I grew up in this area. It feels funny to call it home, to feel a sense of place here, even though I am acutely aware of the fact this land has more history than I could ever fully understand.
In any case, my name is Keenan Paul Reimer-Watts. Keenan means, as I just recently found out in more detail, this, according to ohbabynames.com:
“Keenan is an Anglicization of the Irish personal name Cianán which is a diminutive of Cian meaning “ancient” in Gaelic. By adding the Irish diminutive suffix “-án” to Cian then Cianán/Keenan basically means “little ancient one”.”
For a while, actually, I thought of myself as ancient (wise) when I was growing up, but that was probably just my naivety showing, and the fact that my mother was incredibly supportive. My mom named me this.
“Paul” is, of course, an apostle. It apparently, after a little research, means ‘small’ or ‘humble’ in Latin…this is in juxtaposition that last paragraph…
“Reimer”, from my mothers side (her parents being a Reimer and a Thiessen, but of course, as per tradition, my grandmother took my grandfathers last name)… this is the Mennonite in me. My ancestors, great-grandparents, came over from Ukraine, across Europe in the 1920’s to escape the Bolshevik Revolution. They settled in the prairies. My grandparents speak German, but they didn’t pass this on to my mother or aunt, so I do not.
“Watts” is my fathers side, but I don’t talk to him all too much. My parents divorced a long time ago, so it’s a funny reminder of the father that I never really had. Perhaps I see him a few times a year, if that. Didn’t at all for 15 years. He is English, obviously, but I don’t know much about that side of the family.
In terms of who I associate, I feel quite distanced from ‘my people’ in terms of the Mennonite religion, but I still feel like the way I was raised has created a cultural bond to other mennonites. I suppose my people are my friends, family, but it really isn’t a large circle, although that is likely by my own hesitance than by others being accepting. For instance, I was raised in a church, and have frequently played/performed in a church. But I more count my people as those who are close to me personally, perhaps. I feel this mentality is likely a result of my clinging to individualism in an attempt to ground myself/give myself meaning. More and more I realize that it is a faulty approach, at least for me, so I expect over time my idea of ‘my people’ will continually expand, as I hope it does. I experience belonging when I play music with people, I think, but even then I struggle to become completely open. Often I wonder what role conservatory-based music education has to do with my severe judgement of myself and others, judgement which prevents me from becoming entirely open. Anyways!
The place I associate with would be here, where I am. Other places have changed in their meaning for me, for instance, my parents recently divorced (step-dad), and so the home I grew up in has an entirely different feeling associated with it. For me it is not a welcoming place anymore so much as one that is steeped in emotional meaning, which is often overwhelming. I moved on Hohner in January, 2018, and I am surprised how much having my own place gives me a sense of…place.
My sense of meaning is derived often from what I create. And what is frustrating is that no matter what I create, I still am quickly at a loss for meaning shortly after it is finished. And so my life for the last 10 years has been making, making, making, and subsequently feeling meaningless without any projects on the go. This seems to me a very selfish form of establishing meaning, as wouldn’t it be easier to join groups that have continuity, instead of finite projects? Although I am thinking more and more in that vein, I still struggle to reconcile the two. I also wonder if this individual-based thinking is a result of the music making I made in a conservatory, or the focus on the excellence of the individual. Being in a folk band has really helped with that!
Anyways, that’s my introduction. I hope that it clears things up 😉 likely not. I think I have as many questions as answers…probably more.
As for media, here’s a song I wrote about the concept of running away, it has to do with my family, which feels like it’s changed much the last few years. I made this shortly after I moved in: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoeGJFHgXJA